Sa Ham -I am She (2017 series) – 5 (Identification)

It is easier said than done – I am She. For this reason – we don’t do the process of identification or what, in NLP terms, is called association.

Here are the things that we do instead when we worship Her. We bathe and wear new clothes. During Durga Puja in Bengal, men and women wear fine clothes to give arati, especially the Ashtami arati (eighth day offering). Pre or Post arati you look around to check who is wearing what. What has happened is you have anchored the Puja with wearing fine clothes that others will appreciate.

You may have made elaborate puja preparations. Maybe a beautiful lamp or lamps have been decorated. Maybe an exquisite Rangoli/alpona has been drawn. Maybe the altar has been erected with care and thought. And in your mind, you have compared these preparations with the preparations of another community or another person. You give yourself marks in the ever-present report card on how well you fared.

The food to be offered is prepared with focus and planning. And when Mother’s image is bought and brought, you believe Mother has come to be in your space.

Added to this, is the evening cultural programs where you and others showcase their talent. People applaud and you are happy.

Then there is the Puja. The Priest mediates and you step back, supposedly in devotion, as far away from the actual ritual, physically and mentally. And as the puja progresses and chants increase and the fragrant smoke fills the space, you are in awe of the Mother, the Great Goddess. But she is a Mother who can only bless you, inspire you, guide you – She is not You. The possibility of ‘I am She’ recedes.

In some individuals, the “I am She” sense becomes an intellectual activity. You use words to say ‘She is Me’, ‘She is like me’, or ‘I will be like Her’. Or associate into her physical womanhood – her face, her bosom, her waist, her saris, her ornaments. Obscuring in each case, the sensory experience of Her Wholeness.

This ritual is effective only when you complete the loop. After you celebrate Her, sing, dance and offer food to Her, merge Her back into you. She was invoked from within you and then installed in the image. In Kolkata, pranprathishta (installation of prana or breath) happens on Ashtami, the Eighth day of Navratri. The act of invoking and installing itself can help you realise that you were the source and power behind the Power that you now worship.

I began the process of identification although I did not know the full ritual 15 years back. I used to recite the Lalitha Sahasranama (1000 names of Lalitha) and at the end of it, I would visualize Mother had awakened in me and I would walk the day as She. It helped me cross a critical juncture in my journey strategically, courageously and effectively. I was alert, determined and powerful.

However, at a certain point, I regressed and Mother became Mother on the altar to whom I could go and talk and ask for help. She once again became the Mother, an abstract entity in the Universe, whom if I could please would grace me with better days, happiness, prosperity and the blah blah. And soon enough I was caught up in the dance of how well to please Her, constantly giving myself fail marks in my report card.

The consequence of such a positioning was nurturing powerlessness and fear in me. In the name of surrender to the Divine, I managed to create a weak rudderless hopeless identity who could only be rescued by the Divine Mother. I once cut myself before Her, as they do in the mythic stories, hoping I could stir Her awake. I even overdosed very dramatically before Her and landed an unpleasant stay in the emergency room after I woke up. I woke up, Mother remained silent on the altar. I wrote a furious piece to Her. She never read.

Even when I learnt the puja process, I did not understand how important the last step of the process was. I was happy I got to play the priest. And I was thrilled when a girlfriend invited me to conduct the Kali Pujo for her family. A dream fulfilled.

Readers, the most important part of the ritual, is that final step when you merge Her back into you and circumambulate yourself. Experience that step fully. And stay in that state. In my community, in temples, elders advise devotees to sit after the puja for sometime. Sit after the puja quietly. Meditate. Or passively observe. Contemplate on issues/people bothering you. Contemplate on projects you have planned. Contemplate on next steps. Contemplate. It is a powerful period to get different perspectives or see things clearly or sense your way out of what may feel like a trap or hopeless situation.

Your guide is you. You are She.

You can read other posts of the Sa Ham - I am She (2017 series) here:

(1) Akaalbodhan

(2) Dashabhuja 

(3) The Battle

(4) Unconditional Love/Heal from Shame

(5) Identification

(6) she is She

(7) Battles are in our Mind

(8) Land Dreams to Earth

(9) Equation with Money
(10) The Battle that Isn't

(11) La Que Sabe/The Woman who Knows

(12) No Visarjan/Sa Ham