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| Photograph by Arnab Dutta (Wikimedia Commons) |
Heard this
phrase “unconditional love”? Many talk about it, some yearn for it, some say
they received it from someone or in some form, some say they can give it.
However, all those who talk about unconditional love have experienced
conditional love.
What is
conditional love? (Please don’t ask me what love is, I am yet to put my finger
on the meaning of this word) Conditional love is when we feel love has been
withheld from us because of a flaw in us or because we were inadequate to a
task or failed to please someone or live up to their standards. This sense of
not being good enough translates as shame. We are ashamed that we were not gold
to be loved. This often happens when you have a demanding parent or living in a
marriage with demanding in-laws and spouse.
And that
translates further as a never-ending quest for becoming Gold. Some call it as
an urge to perfectionism. I agree and disagree. Folks who have internalized shame,
are unable to forgive their flaws, work themselves up to a standard that they
believe is what would have pleased the ultimate Love-giving authority. Yes,
they are seeking to perfect themselves but not in the way you think. Their
standards are different from yours.
This
translates further as inability to tolerate flaws in others. We become critics
and deeply judgmental of others. In other words, we begin to give conditional
love, withholding care and friendship at any sign of a flaw in our pre-decided
ideal universe. Some of us become angry easily, some of us vicious and violent,
some withdraw and live as recluse. Many feel listless, hopeless, dreamless. Many turn cynics.
Is it
familiar? If yes, then here is a powerful ritual to help you heal from shame. This
ritual combines an existing Hindu ritual with NLP tools. You can alter the
image/symbol to your religious/cultural/personal context. The process is the same. Please ensure to build up psychologically with as elaborate a ritual as possible before you get to Step 5.
Step 1: Invoke and install life-spirit from
within you in your favourite Goddess image.
Step 2: Follow the steps of puja – bathe and
dress the Goddess. Feed Her, give Her flowers and dhoop. Sing and dance.
Celebrate Her. Do arati.
Step 3: Reflect on Mother as One who loves
unconditionally. Sense what that means to you. Sense it visually, auditorily,
and in your body.
Step 4: Experience Her love fully.
Step 5: Merge Her back into you. Experience
that you are the one who loves unconditionally. Sa Ham – I am She. As you do
that, notice what is happening in you. Fully experience it.
Step 6: Think of an issue or a person that has
been bothering you. You will have a different perspective.
The way to
heal from our experience of conditional love and its consequences on our psyche
is to love unconditionally. For you cannot love another unless you like
yourself. Simple and common sense, no?
You can read other posts of the Sa Ham - I am She (2017 series) here:
(1) Akaalbodhan
(2) Dashabhuja
(3) The Battle
(5) Identification
(6) she is She
(12) No Visarjan/Sa Ham
Absolutely makes sense...
ReplyDeleteBut let me put across my situation -
There is this lady X and her husband Y. Related - very much, that they can't be done with or ignored.
Both of them have this thing of putting down either me or hubby, whenever a situation arises or even purposefully (as seen by us). It happens especially during family get togethers. Even if we play down our actions, to allow them to show off in whatever way they want, they find means and techniques to put us down. I do try to forget and forgive and keep moving forward. But when the next incident happens, every feeling comes out again. sigh.
This is an experiential ritual. Do it. At Step 6, bring this issue before you. You will have a different perspective.
DeleteWhat a wonderful way!
ReplyDeleteIt is powerful Chitra. I cried, as I let go of layers of nonsense.
Delete"Sense it visually, auditorily, and in your body."
ReplyDeleteYes - this part, where we are one in our dance
Not yet. In this step, Mother and us are separate. It is important to keep separate so we can sense Mother as tangibly as possibly. After that, the merging is easy and very powerful.
DeleteConditional love always intrigued me and there is always the hesitation to say about having loved and lost. I am enjoying the series Bhavana in the way you depict the Goddess and our surroundings.
ReplyDeleteThank you Vishal.
DeleteI don't believe conditional love is love at all. And, most important to love oneself; then 'love' from others is not needed!
ReplyDeleteYou nailed it, Roshni.
Delete