How to Prepare for the Death of a Loved One

This post isn't about coping with grief. This post is about how to keep your head over your shoulders and the pragmatics of death of a loved one. This post is to help you prepare and make choices wisely.

I lost my father recently in a road accident. It taught me a lot.

First of all, when you receive the news of a loved one in an accident or in hospital, do not panic. Stay calm and breathe. Brother and I were absolutely calm in the minutes after knowing dad was in hospital, figuring the facilities in the hospital and if we should move him and how to manage immediate finances for emergency procedures. Mom, on the other hand, was incoherent and couldn’t even spell the name of the hospital he had been admitted in. It took several precious minutes of google search and calling others to figure out.

Next, when you hear s/he has passed, again keep your wits about you. Plan next steps quickly—how to reach the place, post-death Government procedures, and cremation. In case of an accident, there are police investigation and post mortem and several procedures of filing FIR etc to be followed. You need to be careful during these moments to spell the name of your loved one correctly and provide accurate details of his age/address/father etc. These records will finally show up in the death certificate and any mistake will be a hindrance for legal affairs.

Third, if your loved one has a last wish (organ donation or body donation) be sure to point it out. My dad had willed his body to the medical college but relatives were not sure if they could communicate the same to my mother. I found from alternate channels that doctors could not process the same because of the accident. But they made arrangements for his eye donation.

Four, assess the situation fast and keeping politics aside, figure out what will provide greatest source of comfort for all. In my case, I realized that although the push was to cremate his body as soon as possible, I had to gently nudge and get everyone to wait till my brother had to chance to fly in from USA and say his goodbyes. It is very important to include all during these moments.

Five, understand as a woman you will be walked over by most as a creature who cannot deal with death. It is very important to let everyone know you are in charge or at least in control over what is happening. I didn't succeed always but I made sure I knew every bit of what was happening so I could detect something if it was way off the radar. At the mortuary, after postmortem, the guy in charge told me to sign on a white sheet and then asked a male relative to write a letter. I told the guy gently—“Sir, I can write.”  Thankfully I also had friends whom I could call for help. That also evoked some respect in family circles and I was allowed to have voice in the proceedings.

Six, you may be in grief but your loved one may have relatives and friends who have to be informed about his/her passing. It is important to quickly extract the contact database and call folks and let them know calmly. Be sure to keep the conversation short. Your energy will be lost in long conversations. I wasn't successful in calling some folks who were upset that they couldn't say their goodbyes.  I understand.

Seven, you may dislike funeral rituals. But others may want it. It is important to prepare in any case. Befriend priests or talk to people about how much it costs and who you want to conduct the same. In my case, I had no clue and it hurt. Please know, depending on the goodness of the priest (Hindu ones), you can do it in Rs 3000/ (I learnt of this from a man who lost his wife and he said the ritual was beautiful) or a lakh and half (middle class rates). You can contract the whole funeral to a priest (he will buy all donations/gifts/food materials) or choose to buy the donations yourself. If you choose to buy it yourself, please check if you have enough logistical support else you will be running from market to market and losing your temper. In Chennai, I believe contracts cost anywhere upto Rs 80k, Delhi upto Rs 1 lakh and Mumbai it varies from Rs 30K upwards. And yes, please check if you have that kind of money to spend. Don't incur debts unnecessarily. A solid prayer also helps the spirit to pass (more on that some other time).

Eight, please know your work is not done even after the funerals. There will be government procedures for getting death certificate, tehsildar’s certificate and innumerable bank and other financial procedures. Please keep your head intact.

After that, you may grieve.

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