Friday Thoughts: On being variously kind

Some of us are kind. Impulsively, helplessly, addictively kind. Sometimes a habit. Sometimes a reaction, a response to cruel people around us. Some are deliberate in their kindness—it is part of their spiritual practice, outcome of their healing process or result of a realization about the interconnectedness of all beings.

We do need a lot of kindness in this world. So it doesn’t matter the causa noble of this state or if “kind’ people are “good” people or not. Acts of kindness, no matter the intention are acts, are independent, at some point, of the person from whom it emerged.

But it is essential to understand the effect of prolonged kindness on self and society. And take some precautions. For sometimes, this “milk of human kindness” thingy can reduce the kind person as a vending machine of sorts providing at the touch of a button the support and help an individual/community needs. And sometimes this milky stuff turns sour.

Physical Kindness

Some people offer physical help—like carry heavy stuff, drive through the night, physical presence to the ill and the dying, provide vigil, do manual labour, distribute pamphlets, join in campaigns, march and fast in solidarity. This is often noticed during disaster management situations.

Body has its own cycles. One needs to know when to take a break, appreciate the work others are doing and understand the ecology of help. Else it spews out as decreased work productivity, crankiness, and a growing sense of pride that physical labour is the only “real” kindness (which some activists proudly call as “grassroots” work).

Emotional Kindness

Some offer a listening ear, empathetic words, moments of validation and celebration. Some take phone calls or are willing to chat late nights or early morning. Some drive or walk over and visit. For days, months and sometimes even years, they become a space for validation and support.

Be sure to develop boundaries else a dependency cycle is developed where you need the other person to need you. Prioritize self-time and learn to be not swept away with the other’s pain. If the other person is very emotional, activate their left-brain by asking questions that force them to logically think, conclude or take a decision. If you are not in a good space, talk with the person later. You are not responsible for their life—they are.

Intellectual Kindness

Some offer strategies to emerge out of problem states. They are there to brainstorm, connect folks to resources, map out paths, help in decision-making process, evaluate and assess solutions and help manage situation better. Some also offer legal support and help folks wind through the quagmire of the legal system. Some read a lot and offer alternate perspectives which may inspire or provide a different reading of a situation. Some extract quotes and paras that inspire or support a state.

You can only help—you can’t decide for the other person. You cannot take over their life and move life events as if it is a jigsaw puzzle that you know how to solve. You have to learn the art of maintaining distance and practice detachment. You must also learn the art of not judging the other person based on the choices s/he makes. Most importantly, you must realize the issue isn’t a test of your abilities. Don’t get frustrated. Take a break.

Material Kindness

Some offer material help—money, loan support, cows/goats/pigs, seeds, and material donations of various kinds. The offer can be to a person, community or an NGO. It is perhaps one of the most important help that most folks need.

Sometimes these kinds of material help seeks quid pro quo—either a name plate, or glowing acknowledgment in a speech or newsletter, or forcing the group to follow a particular ideology or provide political support. If quid pro quo, it isn’t kindness, it is business. But it is “good” business—serves some people.

If you are not seeking acknowledgement, please give only when you have enough. Sometimes we tend to overemphasize giving and not focus enough on earning. Do bring a balance to both. Tithing brings in boundaries to material kindness—it decides how much money/material you will be giving away in a year/month. It also brings a certain detachment because the giving becomes more a part of accounting process rather than kindness.

Psychic Kindness

Those who are weirded out by this heading, please discontinue reading. Others carry on.

Some folks either because of natural abilities or deep healing are able to be energetically kind. They may consciously or unconsciously psychically help push a mental block away to release the person’s energy. Or they may take upon themselves some portion of the other’s pain.

Folks with such abilities must keep strict boundaries so as not to overdo. They tend to be vulnerable and pick up on the negative energies. Please know you can only support an ongoing process—you cannot “cure” a person nor can you magically erase all their troubles. Please know most of us are not superhumans—just folks wanting to be kind. Please wash your hands and face often. Be in nature frequently. Practice silence. And have enough downtime and alonetime. Some of you may develop physical diseases—please know you asked for it.

Be detached. All forms of kindness are equal. You are not the “elite” amongst the kind people of the world.

Strategic Kindness

Those who have the ability to evaluate and assess what form of kindness is best for a certain situation and can suitably adapt to provide the same are strategically kind folks. These are the “wise” kind.

They may offer skills to support a process, network to support a cause, fundraise, lobby, stand for elections, set up non-profits, conduct research, study and take up healing professions, mentor, teach and share wisdom. Many smile and make you laugh. Their humour is deliberate and anchored in compassion.

You will often not be acknowledged because you have made kindness your profession, strategized empathy. That is the way it is. I acknowledge you. Please continue your work.

Kindness should not be an accessory, an extra duty. It should be inbuilt within the system of living, flowing naturally like the river.

Good wishes and good health to all!