Ring the Bell: Men, Love Yourself

[Indiblogger recently launched Indichange—where blogging turns into action. Their first initiative, in collaboration with Breakthrough is a Men Against Violence “Ring the Bell“ campaign. This post is part of that effort. Ring the Bell itself is an award-winning campaign. Do watch some of their powerful videos here.] 

When we women speak of men and violence, we tend to mummify and freeze them into an “evil monster” category—they seem so irrevocably repugnant and despicable to us. As I look back years later, with forgiveness gracing my heart, I realize the men we have known, who loved and violated us were, perhaps, complex human beings who needed help.

We forget we are the result of our upbringing, our environment, the summum bonum of our life experiences and the many many messages we internalize. I have been reflecting on the many reasons why men violate physical, emotional and sexual boundaries. This post is an outcome of those reflections.

For many men, a woman is a mystical creature—utterly captivating, desirable, unpredictable, dynamic, slippery, and still so sweet. For some reason, for many men, she becomes the reason for his self-worth—in her eyes-his self-esteem; in her actions-his glory; in her heart-his joy. It is almost as if they source a significant part of their identity from the persona of a woman’s being.

Note, how young men are eager to either have love affairs or lose their virginity or in many cases get laid multiple times and then boast about it to friends. I have noted how men become depressed, utterly anxious, obsessed in either charming or nailing a woman. In one amusing case, a man I know claimed to be an expert in figuring out the map of a woman’s personality and her weak links. He would then pass on this information to friends who wanted to lay her and was much respected in this area of work.

Yeah yeah, I know men will say—we are hunters. Please yourself, sweetheart. I say you are a hunter whose entire self-worth is pivoted around hunting—if you don’t get a hunt, you are lost and your sense of being is threatened. How terrible the day, the week, the year and the years when you did not have a hunt! And when you finally do get a hunt, and she wiggles out of your control like jelly and does not behave as the prey that you shot down-- ouch, it hurts, doesn’t it? You snare her, beat her, force her like a hunter who cures the meat of his hunt.

Sweets, the problem was never her nor your ability to hunt. The problem is where you were looking for self-worth. The problem is how you defined your identity and how you gained your self-esteem. And the more you try to dignify yourself by your hunt, the more powerless you will feel. You see, the Universe made us women to teach you that power and love and joy are within you, not us. If anything, we are your spiritual teachers. Instead of hunting us, you need to love yourself fully.

Additionally, the problem also lies in our culture, rather, in modern culture. I was reflecting with a friend on why gangrape occurs. We realized that it was counter-evolutionary for men to share their partners. And yet, gangrapes have been on increase across the world. Yes, gangrape is often used to humiliate a community or as a weapon in war. But what about gangrapes in democratic societies in times of peace? Is the reason sometimes, not power or sex or even culture—but perhaps paucity of appropriate coming of age or rites of passage ritual for men? 

For women, the very onset of puberty is a powerful transitional moment. How do boys know that they have become men? How do they let the society-- especially one where boys are smothered till they are into their late twenties-- know that they are now men? Do men in India lack a proper rite of passage? Do we need to design a modern ritual for them? Do some already exist and perhaps need a boost? Do parents need to make a note of this and perhaps ensure their sons undergo some ritual?

Yeah, yeah, ladies, I know for some men, it is not just psychological or cultural or lack of rites of passage—it is sometimes hormonal imbalance, problems in emotional regulation, a mental health problem. And that sometimes, it is plain bewildering. I write this as a DV survivor, witness and advocate.

But here is the thing, I refuse to believe evil is incarnate in some men—even if it is utterly cruel, even if it is horrendous, even if it is plain painful to me personally. I refuse to believe it for it destroys my humanity, my faith in all things sacred, my faith in the wholeness of my being and of this Universe.They may need therapy, social support or deterrance, but they do not cease being the sacred beings that all of us are.

And for men who advocate men’s rights and hold women responsible for the pain in their lives, you could also use my approach and discover women and yourself in the same sacred light.

We are beings journeying together towards something utterly beautiful and joyful. Let us hold that intention in our hearts. Happy International Women’s Day all!