Living Uncertainly

"To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. Once one has experienced a few times what it is like to stand judgingly between the opposites, one begins to understand what is meant by the self. Anyone who perceives his shadow and his light simultaneously sees himself from two sides and thus gets in the middle." -Carl Jung (from his book Good and Evil in Analytical Psychology)

2018 has been a tough year so far. It has been a year of uncertainty on many fronts.

My knee-jerk reaction was to reach out, read my horoscope and check the vaastu of my home. (Yes, I am well-versed in these areas. No, I will not give you a reading. However, avoid bsing about most fields around me.)

I pondered on my reaction. What was I desiring to do? I wanted to predict outcome and control it.

While I was working on my PhD, one of the areas that I challenged was the proclivity of  Euroamerican theories to control and manage outcomes. For example, ‘conflict management’ or ‘effective communication.’ I argued that given that Asian cultures tend to have high tolerance to ambiguity and uncertainty, there is something about our ability to dwell on the process which is a gift to living.

However, I promptly forgot it in the later years as the desire to control the future surpassed my natural ability to live uncertainly.

Several months back, I came across the term ‘Tropophilia’ in a book by the same name by Dr JC Wandemberg. It is a book for organisations on how the most robust organisations thrive on uncertainty and challenges notions of resilience and antifragility. I wondered how it could be applied to individual lives. Resilience presupposes that there is fundamental certainty in life and uncertain times are temporal. Therefore, one needs to be tough and strong for hard times which are assumed to be a rare occurrence. That disruption assumes there is fundamental stability. This is not how life is. It flows uncertain.

Through NLP, I had learnt the art and science of well-formed outcome. I wondered, if I can plan and set processes for an outcome, then it is appropriate to assume it will be achieved.

Which is correct except that outcomes are, even in extreme cases, not solely dependent on one person. Outcome is a combination of my efforts, the states of other people concerned, the current socio-political condition and the environment. Whereas, if I don’t intend consciously to move in a certain direction, the chances of reaching that destination is nil; it doesn’t mean I will definitely reach it.

I returned to that famous verse from Bhaja Govindam,

“Nalinee-dala gata jalamati taralam, tadva-jjeevitam atishaya chapalam.

Viddhi- vyaadha- abhimaana grastam, lokam shokahatam cha samastam.”

(Water droplet on a lotus leaf trembles. Now here, now not. So is our life, unexpected and uncertain. Now here, now not.) [Translation of meaning, not literal translation]

We can change our behavioural patterns, become flexible and adaptable, and yet, it doesn’t mean we can control outcomes. We can be more resourceful in our responses. We can ensure a healthier less-reactionary mind. But we can NOT predict or manage future in material or social terms.

I finally saw through the delusion of the quoted-to-death verse from William Henley’s poem Invictus which he wrote after a bout of illness:

      “I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul.”

No, we are not Masters of our fate because we cannot control or define "fate." Fate is a nominalisation (a word behaving as noun) and therefore confined to a pre-decided box. Nor captain of our soul for there is only one person travelling, mind and body and there ain’t a ship to command. We are travellers of the moment, not knowing if we will live the next moment.

To live is to live uncertainly and to thrive off it. To do that is to give up the belief that anything or anyone or any situation is here to stay or can be managed as you desire. No matter what command you have on language of influence and persuasion. No matter how well you can elicit states by using triggers. There is only that much that is in your control.

It is a strange coincidence that as I was writing this article, Irfan Khan’s article on Times of India appeared with the very same words, “The only thing certain was the uncertainty. All I could do was to realise my strength and play my game better.”

Let go, I learnt more deeply than ever – of expectations, assumptions, deservedness, justice, and anything else. As Wayne Dyer said, “As you breathe in, breathe out.”

However to let go presupposes we held onto something in the first place. We clung on to something or someone. How to prevent clinging?

We cling to that which we do not have for we feel it would complete us.

We feel incomplete because we are not okay with who we are.

The other day I watched a wild life documentary. I watched an eagle in flight—the colour of her feathers, the curve of her beak, the placement of her eyes. I watched how she flew, and how far from earth. And what she ate. It struck me that if this eagle was a human, I may have judged her for her colours or maybe castigated her for not socialising enough or called her arrogant for flying so high and considered her manners at the table despicable. And perhaps advised a cosmetic surgery of her beak.

And then I watched rabbits scampering on a lawn. Little furry bodies with those ears with the pink in them, the way they scuttle around, the way they eat. And I wondered if these rabbits were humans, I may have criticised them for partying, for poor morals, for covering small distances. I would have told them – hey you need to learn how to fly and take a different view of things, and maybe experiment with eating other foods.

This is what we do to each other and more importantly, ourselves. We judge ourselves for not being what others are. And hence we feel incomplete.

What we achieve ain’t enough, our successes defined in social terms, our behaviours categorised accordingly. Our beauty defined by distorted mirrors and selfies and magazine covers.

The mess of a human society created by the pointless evolution of our brains.

We cling to that which we are not. And cannot let go. For the vacuum pump is in our minds and the trash bag too.

To accept ourselves is to accept exactly as we are – an eagle or a rabbit or a dog or a frog or a spider or an eel in the water. All the characteristics – the bodies and tendencies. It is accepting and integrating our light as much as our shadows.

For me, one of my natural abilities is to creatively express through language – dance, music, writing, spoken word. My expressions validate and inspire some, threaten few and ignored by most. Irrespective, this is what I do. 

There was one more crucial aspect I discovered this year. I had in the past two years forgotten about the Universal intelligence – that I am not the only one planning and plotting an outcome, the amazing Universe has also charted its course. And that I am, you are, part of the plan. My former therapist, Ann used to repeat this statement: “Everything is as it should be.” Wayne Dyer wrote similarly, “Everything in the Universe is perfect – even your desire to improve it.”

And in this uncertain living, you meet others who help you to move. And as long as one is open in receiving, help and guidance is there. And what is more, you and I are also a helper and guide to others in their journeys in life. 

For brief passages of time.

Stars forming a galaxy to collapse later.

My gratitude to all those who supported my path and helped me support others.

I sail on curiously.