The Art of Living Alone

In the last few weeks, I have come to realise that I have a resource that most Indians don’t – the art of living alone. I have lived alone for nearly two decades. As an Indian woman, it is a phenomenal achievement.

More and more Indians are living alone these days. Young folks are marrying late and choosing to stay away from family. Then there are those who find a job posting/assignment in another city/country. Some travel extensively living in strange cities/towns in hotel rooms. Some move out of relationships or lose a partner. Single parents are also essentially living alone (children/pets/plants are wonderful anchoring forces and that is all).

Women are robust creatures. Since their environments are naturally dynamic, their ability to adapt is very high. They may do drama or complain or cry or speak – they figure out a way. Men, on the other hand, maintain a social façade. They are attached to people (their pack) more than they like to admit.

Art of living alone is a life skill.

First things first. If you are currently very anxious about living alone, then please cook. Cooking for yourself is a healing ritual. Cook with thought and care. When you eat, don’t watch TV. Instead create an ambience, sit on a table and eat slowly. It is a way you learn to be easy.

Next, please set up some daily discipline. A walk or gym, breakfast/dinner times and if you are spiritual – lighting a lamp/candle/incense. Maintain sleep hygiene. Wear clothes that make you feel good.

Please note, these are practices to ground in the initial phase of settling in. You have to deal with the inner discomfort. Folks take to alcohol, smoke, sex and drugs. Or party often and throw multiple get-togethers at home. Then there are those who attempt to stay busy, busy, busy to not deal with the unease. None of it helps. Once the haze is lifted and friends and partners have left, the mindfuck awaits.

The root of this discomfort comes from social messages and rituals we have grown up around. Cooking and eating is a social ritual. Evenings and early mornings and weekends are to be spent with families. You go on vacations with families. Celebrations are also a social event. Even fighting is a wonderful social ritual. People have hobbies that are often motivated by a desire to break/stay away from family/routines.

More importantly is the concept of home. What is home? A physical structure that is familiar and certain, that is aligned to your tastes and is defined by your presence. It is a structure where you feel comfortable. To this we add presence of humans who we expect to embody comfort, love and care. So when you return home to an “empty” house, the structure is familiar but the love and care is missing. You get restless. The old hobbies don’t work because the motivation no longer has the same context.

Here is the issue – we have externalized home. We ground homes in physical structures and people. 

We don’t ground it in ourselves. And so we say, “After I return home”, “I will be home soon”. We seek comfort in familiar surroundings rather than being confident in our familiar senses and strategies. We expect and seek love and attention in others and are unable to provide ourselves any.

Yes, what I say is tough to follow through. Socially we are quite messed up and our inability to reinforce low. Yet, the only way is to walk the fire.

Living alone is powerful. It gives you a vantage point to examine society, systems and people. It is like travelling to a foreign country and understanding your native country better. Away from the usual social noise, you get a perspective to examine issues minutely. For those who say my writing is sensitive and the work I do is sensitive, I owe it to living alone and outside the usual social routines.

It is also a way to uncover core issues and face it head on. When there is no one to mess with you, your mind opens up and reveals the nonsense underneath. You have the social space to confront it easily. So instead of hunting for distractions or going on an overdrive, sit quiet alone.

Face, heal and move on.